Introducing the 2013 Battle of Belgium Champion...
Unibroue Don de Dieu
Final Night of Battle of Belgium!
Intrigue, brutality and candied sugar: the final reckoning of Kahn’s Fine Wines’ third annual Battle of Belgium! Votes were won by any means necessary. Punches were thrown, babies were kissed.* History will appreciate our vigilant record:
In a war of attrition, underdog Canadian, Don De Dieu** took out newcomer Brother Thelonius. Chimay Blue defeated dread pirate, Piraat, proving that one ought never to challenge a Trappist ale when death is on the line. Sailing off after defeat, Piraat was seen wiping a tear as salty as the sea from its weathered face.
GI Matilda, her head shaved ala Demi Moore in GI Jane, faced sly Rochefort 8. Her pull-ups were for naught,*** since the headstrong American fell repeatedly into 8’s nefarious Trappist traps. With fruit, malt and malice, Rochefort 8 advanced to the final round.
The most anticipated match-up was the cage fight between Leffe Brune and Rochefort 10. Last year, underdog Brune bounced Rochefort 10 (#1 seed), in the first round, beginning its glorious ascension. Since then, Rochefort 10 has sought vengeance, secretly contriving a coup d’etat against the King of Belgian Beer. Using brute ABV and a distinguished dried fruit profile, Rochefort leveraged its strengths, crushing the child-king by five votes.
As you all know, the final melee is a brutal, four-way elimination. All the beers arrived fervent and at the top of their game. If any contender was concerned about the unforgiving scrutiny of veteran palates, it didn’t show. Initial votes led to a three way tie between Rochefort 8, 10 and Unibroue Don De Dieu, while Chimay, once again, folded under the spotlight. Next to fall was Rochefort 8, making a rare misstep in the octagon. Ignoring any human instinct for mercy, remaining contenders, Don De Dieu and Rochefort 10 stayed neck to neck the entire round. At the end of the day, Dieu prevailed with a two-vote knock-out punch, proving that polite doesn’t mean weak in Canadian.****
A new king was crowned. The treacherous 10 was knocked down a few notches, sitting, once again in the shadows of an underdog champion. 10 was spotted walking off, already plotting its next coup, while Canada’s Dieu sat overlooking the wreckage atop Kahn’s most coveted throne. Dieu, a natural leader in flavor, smiled a quiet Canadian smile***** and breathed deep the refined cellar-temperature air at Kahn’s. ******
*Important: This is a joke. The only babies allowed into Kahn’s are those that appear to be over the age of 40…. and the cute little kid on the Founder’s Breakfast Stout label.
**Technically, this name is pronounced with an outrageous French accent.
****Note, our research has shown that both Canada and narwhals are real. We were all very surprised. We thought it was just a South Park joke.
***** Full disclosure: None of our writers have ever seen a Canadian beer smile. Or a Canadian. Except on TV.
******Kahn’s employee, Todd, takes full responsibility for overusing asterisks in this blog. Shilpa would have preferred footnotes. Lura would have preferred that this post be pictures of her cats. Her cats with Belgian beers. Which… lets be honest… would have been really adorable and is now replacing next year’s BoB.